


Fear Itself

by ma_r



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hogwarts, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Coming Out, Hogwarts, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, M/M, Miscommunication, Post-Battle of Hogwarts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-31
Updated: 2018-01-31
Packaged: 2019-03-11 17:25:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13529058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ma_r/pseuds/ma_r
Summary: In his fifth year, Merlin faces a boggart and everything goes to hell.





	1. Débarrasser

**Author's Note:**

> The tag is there for a reason, there is homophobic language in this story and the F slur is used.

If there was one thing Merlin knew was that he was a good liar.

After all having two big secrets to keep would have been difficult otherwise and well, really, practice did make perfect.

The first secret Merlin had to keep was the fact that his wand was fake and would never work. And this correlated directly to the fact that Merlin’s magic did not have to be called forward with spells or wand movements. It was related to the fact that if not for a small glamour enchanted every morning his eyes would turn gold when he did magic. It was related to the fact that Merlin could do wand-less and nonverbal spells since he was a week old.

The second one was that he was gay.

If the first one was to be revealed he didn’t know what would happen, but he was sure that at some point people would get over it and let him practice his own brand of magic.  But if the second did, he knew that he was in for a lifetime of comments and hate. That he would be cast aside quickly and easily. That he would lose friends as fast as a house elf would have dinner ready. He knew all of this. So he kept quiet, pretended and lied.

When he was 11 and arrived at Hogwarts he pretended he liked a Gryffindor girl named Gwen and that Charms was difficult.

During his second year he befriended Gwen and Morgana, who was in his same house, and this year it was Morgana whom he ‘liked.’ He also met Arthur Pendragon, who was a Hufflepuff and an idiot. A prat who had a nice smile and pretty eyes and his laugh made butterflies flutter in Merlin’s stomach.

His third year he dated Morgana and it was as awkward as one would expect. Especially considering that he felt more when Arthur looked at him than when he and Morgana kissed. It was also during this year that he had to work harder to hide how easy everything was. There was no 'spell' he couldn’t perform. If he had to transfigure a pin cushion into a porcupine he just had to will it and it would happen. So he had to be cautious and think stupid things. Like a pin cushion with legs or a pink porcupine with pins instead of quills.  It took him more energy to reverse a perfectly executed charm so that no one would notice, than to cast them.  When he was caught, then his excuses where simple: ‘Oh, I read ahead and practiced.’ ‘My cousin helped me with this one.’ ‘Lucky first try I guess.’  And everyone believed him. Because Merlin was a good liar.

The summer between his third and four year, Morgana broke it off with him and started dating Gwaine, a Ravenclaw who seemed to gravitate to the Gryffindors instead of his own housemates. There was also the added bonus that he was a year older, was extremely fit and had great hair.  Merlin pretended to be jealous of him instead of jealous of Morgana for dating him.

His fourth year he fell hard for Arthur. What had been a pathetic crush had turned into something Merlin could barely control. They shared a train compartment in route to Hogwarts. During this ride, they talked and laughed. They couldn’t seem to stop, so they didn’t.  They talked during class and studying hours, they talked before and after meals, they talked during their free time and during the quidditch matches when Arthur didn’t play. They exchanged letters during winter break almost daily, and with each letter sent, Merlin could feel his heart breaking bit by bit until all of it was in Arthur’s hands.

So yes, in fourth year Merlin fell in love for the first time in his life and he was scared shitless that someone would notice but he just couldn’t stay away from Arthur, even considering the danger he posed.

In his fourth year, Merlin gained another secret, he now had three:

Number one: His wand was fake.

Number two: He was gay.

Number three: He was in love with his best friend.

Fourth year could bite Merlin’s ass and just fuck right off.

The summer before the fifth year, Arthur visited Merlin for two weeks and the proximity was painful. During the school year, they were close, but they didn’t share a room, they didn’t sit at the same table, they didn’t fall asleep in the same room. By the end of the first week, Merlin was ready to pull his hair out by sheer force. By the end of the second, Merlin was sad to see Arthur go and resigned himself to his fate:

Merlin was in love with Arthur, but Arthur was in love with Gwen. Merlin had learned this during one of the many evenings in which he and Arthur had left the house and hid in the park near Merlin’s home. They had stolen some firewhisky from Balinor’s supply and where happily drinking when a drunk Arthur had blurted out:

“I think I’m in love with Gwen.”  Merlin choked on the firewhisky. And then said “Yeah?” To which Arthur had replied with: “I don’t seem able to stop thinking about her, and I miss her when I am not with her and I find myself thinking ‘Gwen would love this’ when something happens and she isn’t there.”  

To which Merlin eloquently replied. “Huh.”

“I mean, I am not sure if it's love, but sometimes I just think it is and she is so pretty and beautiful and I just don’t know.”  Merlin made some agreeing noises “and I have been talking to her a lot lately, I mean I knew her before but since you and I became friends I have talked to her more and more. We sometimes hang out together and I like being with her...”  Merlin closed his eyes and fought hard not to cry and nodded. “so yes, I think I am in love with Gwen.”  Merlin nodded again. “When we get back I am going to ask her on a date, we can go to Hogsmeade.”

“She would like that.” Merlin crooked out, his throat was burning with suppressed tears, but he hoped Arthur thought it was caused by the firewhiskey. Arthur smiled and took the bottle out of Merlin’s hands and took another swing of it.

“How about you Merlin, someone you think you might love?” Merlin smiled and did what he did best: he lied.

“No, there is no one.”

The fifth-year started on a sad note for him. He knew that Arthur would ask Gwen out as soon as possible, Morgana was busy all the time with Gwaine and soon enough Merlin knew that he would become the person his friends abandoned in favor of other relationships. But for the time being, he allowed himself to be happy and enjoy his friends' company when he could get it. His magic was also acting strange, it did things when Merlin didn’t want it to, and when he wanted something his magic gave it to him before he could even think about getting it himself.  

Once, he considered going to the kitchen to ask the elves for tea but he was feeling lazy and didn’t want to get out of the chair he had claimed as his own. The second he made the decision that standing up was to much work, a tea set appeared before him, along with biscuits. Luckily no one was around to see a magical tea party appear out of thin air and after serving himself, he made the set disappear. While at the time it had been useful, he had once wished for a seventh year Ravenclaw student to stop bothering a first year Hufflepuff and the Ravenclaw had fallen from the stairs and broken their hand and left leg. His magic acting out was not a good sign and it worried him. 

Arthur and Gwen started dating and where obnoxiously adorable. Merlin hated them and loved them at the same time. After all, his two best friends were happy and the guy Merlin loved was happy, but he was happily in love with someone that was not Merlin.

It all came to a head during a Defense Against the Dark Arts class. Gryffindors and Slytherins shared the class, so Merlin was there with his fellow housemates with the added bonus that Gwen was also there. Merlin, Morgana and Gwen entered together and saw that the room had been cleared and an old closet was the only furniture that remained in the room. Professor Bennett was standing next to it, his wand at the ready and a huge smile on his face.

“Welcome everybody. Today I have a treat for you all.” The closet moved, some of the students took an instinctive step back, others reached for their wand. Professor Bennett’s smile widened. “Can someone tell me what is inside this?” He tapped his wand against the closet.  The students looked at each other and shook their heads.

“I think its a Boggart.” a girl from Slytherin gasped.

“Ah, I see someone is already familiar with this creature, Pamela, care to enlighten us?”

“They take the shape of your deepest fear.” She said. “We had one on our home and my mom had to get rid of it.”

“And how did your mother get rid of it?” The Professor asked.

“I don’t know.”

“Very well. As your classmate has told us, a Boggart takes the form of your deepest fear. No one knows what they look like when they are alone. But, as I mentioned before, there is a way to get rid of them. The spell is actually quite simple, is the intent behind it that makes it difficult. You see, the only way to defeat a Boggart is with laughter. So, no wands!" Everyone who had them outside placed them down "Repeat after me: _Riddikulus_ ” The class repeated the spell, Merlin fought to control his magic. “Perfect. Now this is what you have to do: First all of you make a line, we will go one by one. Once it's your turn to face the Boggart it will take the form of the thing you fear. Think of a way to turn it into something funny, recite the spell and move on.” Oh, oh no. Merlin was certain that this was going to go wrong sooner rather than later.

When the line started forming it was the Gryffindors who started pushing against each other for the first spots on the line, some Slytherins were also fighting for a spot. Merlin quietly walked to the end of the line, maybe if he was last he wouldn’t have to face it, maybe the class would end before he had this turn.

“Pamela,” Professor Bennett called. “You start. Wand out, concentrate and recite, then move on.”

Pamela pointed her wand to the door, Professor Bennett opened it with a nonverbal spell and a giant hairy rat exited the closet. The room went completely still and then Pamela shouted. " _Riddikulus_ ” and the rat was suddenly wearing a hat and in a perfect imitation of the Prime Minister, started to talk. Some of the students laughed.

After Pamela there was Hugh, who saw a clown. Linett and Zoe both saw snakes. John saw a drunk man waving his fist in the air. Five or six people saw the Dark Mark. Many saw spiders and curiously one saw a perfectly dark square. Others saw storms. But each and every time, his classmates managed to change the Boggart into something that made laughs appear around the room.

Professor Bennett gave helpful advise every time someone froze in front of the Boggart.

Gwen saw a green light over and over again and Merlin’s heart ached for her. Gwen’s mother had been killed by a Death Eater and she had seen it happen.  

The line continued to move, every time faster and faster until only one person remained in front of Merlin and the class was far from over. Merlin could feel his heart beating in his chest and a pit forming in his stomach. The Boggart took the shape of a creepy doll who started to sing but it was quickly turned into something else. The person in front of him moved away, and the Boggart changed.

It changed into Merlin, who had blood on his hands and his eyes were alight with gold, the same gold he hid again and again in the morning. It was smiling and walking towards Merlin, his eyes flashing.

“This is our future.” It said, Merlin’s wand arm started to shake, “This is what we are turning into. The next Dark Lord. You can’t control your magic Merlin, and it’s starting to control you.” Merlin closed his eyes and hoped his magic would do the rest.

“ _Ri-Riddikulus_ ”

He heard the tale-tale sound of the Boggart changing forms. He opened his eyes again, but instead of seeing the Boggart turned into something funny he saw Gwen and Morgana, both stepping away from him.

“You are disgusting,” Gwen said, her voice dripping with despise. “I can’t believe I considered you a friend.”

“I let you touch me.” Morgana said, accusingly. "Disgusting."

Merlin started to cry.

Their faces changed and turned into his parents. Hunith was crying.

“It’s my fault, I gave birth to something broken.”

Balinor hugged her.

“It’s not your fault. That that _thing_  is a faggot, is not your fault.”

Merlin dropped his wand. “ _Riddikulus_ ” he whispered, hoping that this time his magic wouldn’t fail him.  He saw Professor Bennett approach but he was too far away. The Boggart changed again, and it transformed into Arthur.

Merlin took a step back.

“It makes me sick,” it said. “ _You_ love _me_? It's not natural, its _wrong_.”  Arthur shuddered. “ _You_ make me sick.”

Merlin fell down to his knees, he then turned and saw his classmates, all of them were staring at him, and Merlin could see hate flashing in the eyes of some of them and the pity in others. He closed his eyes and with all his heart he wished he was somewhere else. When he opened his eyes, he was.  

Merlin used to have three secrets.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry there is more to come.
> 
> Your feedback is important and encouraged.


	2. Gagner

If there was one thing Arthur knew was that he was a good actor.

He learned this the first time he pretended to be sick so that he could skip school. Pretending became second nature to him. He pretended to have the perfect family, even though his Father was a drunk and his Mother a cheating wife. He pretended to be smart, even when the letters swirled in front of him and the numbers didn’t add up.  He was loud and happy and confident and made himself shine brighter than the red marks on his homework.

The day he turned 11 an owl appeared on his windowsill and with it a letter welcoming him to Hogwarts. His father didn’t care, his mother didn’t notice. He acted like everything was perfect and that they were sad to see him go. During the train ride, he acted like he wasn’t terrified.

When he was sorted into Hufflepuff he acted confidently as he walked towards his house table. He made friends with a boy named Lancelot and he didn’t have to pretend he like him, he just did.

His first year in Hogwarts he struggled: with the new utensils he had to use to write. With the difficult font in which most of his books were written. With his assignments (why did most all of them be essays?) but he didn't struggle with his magic. No, it came to him easily and naturally and it stayed that way.

During his second year, one of his teachers noticed that while his wand work and casting where excellent his assignments were not. And instead of acting like he had been doing, he accepted the fact that sometimes the words didn’t make sense and that when he read, the information mixed together until it became something entirely different. The Profesor helped him, and the written world suddenly started making sense.

During his second year, he also made various interesting acquaintances; Leon, the Hufflepuff Quidditch captain, Gwen a Gryffindor with a heart made of gold, Morgana who had a vicious tongue and Merlin who was a Slytherin and an idiot... who had pretty eyes and a pretty smile.

His third year he spent it on the Quidditch field practicing and learning until he was good enough to be part of the house team. He pretended that when Merlin smiled at him his heart didn’t skip a beat and that his gaze wandered to the girls figure instead of the boys.

The summer before the fourth year he ran away from home for a total of four days after he told his family that the neighbor's son was more attractive to him than the daughter.  His father hadn’t said anything and his mother hadn’t reacted, but they had both searched for him and had hugged him when they found him.

His fourth year had a theme: Merlin. Who was funny and goofy and laughed too loud, with whom he had long long talks that never seemed to end, with whom he spent his time. Merlin filled every empty space in his heart and suddenly he was in love with Merlin. But Merlin liked girls. Merlin had dated Morgana and had liked Gwen. Merlin was straight. So Arthur acted like he found the girls breast more interesting than the boys tights.  

Before Fifth year Arthur invited himself to spend time with Merlin during the summer. His parents gave him muggle money and permission to visit his friend, as long as he called.  He spent a wonderful time with Merlin. Day and night they were together, they talked all the time, their mouths only stopping for food or sleep, but Arthur had to constantly remind himself that Merlin was not his. Not in the way he wanted.

He had almost blurted out how much he loved Merlin when he was drunk on firewhiskey but had managed to cover his feelings at the last minute.

“I think I’m in love with Gwen.” He said, instead of _‘I think I'm in love with you’_ and before he could stop the verbal vomit he continued. “I don’t seem able to stop thinking about her,” _‘you, about you’_ “and I miss her when I am not with her” _‘when you are not with me’_ “and I find myself thinking ‘Gwen would love this’ when something happens and she isn’t there” _‘I always want you to be there.’_ Merlin had made a noise and Arthur couldn’t seem to stop.  “I mean, I am not sure if it's love, but sometimes I just think it is and she is so pretty and beautiful and I just don’t know...” _'You are beautiful Merlin, and I really do think I’m in love with you_ . “and I have been talking to her a lot lately, I mean I knew her before but since you and I became friends I have talked to her more and more and we sometimes hang out together and I like being with her...” _‘Since I met you, there is something about you that has been calling to me, spending time with you is the most amazing thing that could have ever happened to me’_ Arthur stopped to consider what he was saying, what he was feeling and finished “So yes, I think I am in love with Gwen.” _I love you, Merlin._ Merlin nodded after Arthur had finished talkin. To finish his act, Arthur he had to say something that would make it all believable  “When we get back I am going to ask her on a date, we can go to Hogsmeade.” He didn’t say:   _I wish I could ask you._

“She would like that.” Merlin said, his voice hoarse, he must had been drinking a lot. Arthur faked smiled and took the bottle out of Merlin’s hands before drinking. He needed the courage to ask the next part, the answer had the potential to break his heart.

“How about you Merlin, someone you think you might love?” Merlin smiled and Arthur braced himself for a hit that never came.

“No, there is no one”

After that drunk talk, Arthur had to follow through.  He asked Gwen out, and she smiled and told him that while she would love to, there was someone else that owned her heart. He smiled and told her that they could go as friends. And they did. Arthur made sure that Merlin believed that both of them were dating.  

It was after Transfiguration Class that Arthur heard the news.  He was walking to the Great Hall so that he could eat something and then meet up with Merlin, when a frantic Morgana appeared before his eyes. Her hair was in disarray and she kept looking over Arthur’s shoulder. She took a bit of paper and wrote something before enchanting it to fly.

“Have you seen Merlin?” She asked, her eyes moving in all directions, Arthur felt his stomach drop.

“No, isn’t he supposed to be with you?”  She finally made eye contact with him and saw that her eyes were red-rimmed and filled with tears.

“Morgana, what happened?” She started to cry.  Arthur acted like he knew what he was doing and took her back to the recently vacated classroom, once the door was closed and they were both sitting down he prompted again.

“Morgana?”

It took her a moment to compose herself before she could talk. “We saw Boggarts on today's lesson in DATDA.” Arthur nodded, he had been doing his readings in advance so that he wouldn’t have much trouble on the daily lessons, he knew what they were and what they entitled. “It had been fun and scary at the same time, I didn’t notice Merlin was next, I was talking to Pamela about some of the Charms homework.” Ah, so Merlin had gotten scared and had run away. “I don’t know what grabbed my attention, but when I turned back to look at Merlin there were two of them.”

“Merlin is scared of himself?”

“Of his magic,” Morgana said. “It was Merlin, but not Merlin. The Boggart had a cruel smile and blood in his hand, his eyes were glowing gold, like an animals.” Morgana shuddered. “It was scary. But the Boggart said something about Merlin not being able to control his magic. I heard Merlin cast the defensive spell, but instead of becoming something funny it changed.” Morgana looked away and started to cry again. “It changed into me and Gwen.” Arthur couldn’t understand why, Merlin loved them much, it was impossible that he could fear them. Morgana remained quite and continued to cry.  

“What happened next ‘Gana?”

“We- _it-_ said something horrible to him. It said we were disgusted with him and then Merlin started to cry. I didn’t understand, not until later. Suddenly it transformed again, I didn’t recognize who they were, but now that I think back I can tell you it was his parents.” Morgana swallowed. “They… well, they said that Merlin was _wrong_ , that he was a...” her voice trembled and as she expelled a breath she said: “a faggot.”  Arthur took in a breath. His mind going over and over again in circles. Merlin was gay. Merlin liked men. Merlin was… Merlin had been ousted without his consent, suddenly Arthur understood why he had run. Shit. “Merlin dropped his wand and just stood there staring at his parents, at _it_. So Professor Bennett started walking towards him, to put himself in front of the Boggart or something, I don't know. He didn’t get there in time.” Morgana turned to look at him. “I heard Merlin casting the spell and the Boggart changed once more. I hoped it would finally be over, but it turned into you.” Morgana said. Arthur felt sick to his stomach. Merlin was afraid that he wouldn’t accept him. Merlin _feared_ Arthur, he had failed him as a friend. Arthur started to cry, tears slowly falling down his face.

“What… what happened?”

“The same thing than when it was me and Gwen, you _-it-_ acted as if Merlin was disgusting as if the fact that he is in love with you was unnatural.”  Arthur started to shake. He didn't know how to feel. Merlin loved him. Merlin feared him. Merlin was alone and scared and outed, he needed a friend at the moment, not a lover. He needed to find him. “He fell, Arthur, as if something had struck him.” Morgana shook his head. “I don’t know what he did or how he did it, but before anyone could reach him he was just gone. His wand abandoned.” Arthur frowned.

“You can’t _Apparate_ or _Disapparate_ in Hogwarts grounds.” Was the first thing that came to mind. Not the fact that a Fifth-year student had managed to make Sixth-year magic. Not that Merlin could be anywhere and impossible to trace.

“He didn’t,” Morgana said. “Professor Bennett tried one of those new spells that let you follow after a wizard _apparates_ and couldn’t. He is with Headmistress McGonagall at the moment. If they can’t find him in the next thirty minutes they will call the Aurors so they can search for him.”

Arthur bit his lower lip. “Who else is looking for him?”

“All the Slytherins, most of the Ravenclaws, a lot of the Gryffindors and probably all of the Hufflepuffs are also looking.” Arthur nodded to himself.

“Where have they looked?”

“The Slytherin common room, the library, all of the towers and the Quidditch Pitch. There is no sign of him anywhere. I had kind of hoped that he was with you.”  

“He is terrified of me Morgana.” Arthur said, “of course he isn’t with me.”

“But he loves you, and you are his best friend. It was not a bad bet.”

Arthur sighed. “No, it wasn’t.  Suddenly Arthur had an idea, a brilliant one-of-a-kind of idea. “I think I may know where he is.”

Morgana nodded. “I will come with you.”

“No,” Arthur said immediately. “I need to talk to him alone. He will spook if he sees both of us.”

Morgana clearly didn’t like Arthur’s reasoning, but nodded.

“As soon as you find him, let us know. They are going to tell his parents after they call the Aurors.”

Arthur ran to the Hufflepuff common room, ignoring the constant calls of his name, and went and got his broom. He was running towards the main entrance when an older voice and with more authority called after him.

“Mr. Pendragon.” Headmistress McGonagall said. “A moment.”

Arthur walked towards her, his broom hitting the side of his legs.

“Yes, Professor?”

“Could you care to enlighten me on where you are going?” Even though it was phrased as a question, it was obvious that it was an order.

“I have an idea of where Merlin could be.” Arthur explained, “It will be faster if I fly there than if I walk.”  McGonagall nodded.

“Well then, carry on.” She turned her back to him, he started walking away until she called. “Oh, and Mr. Pendragon?”

“Yes, Professor?”

“Bring him home.” 

Arthur remembered one night when neither he or Merlin could sleep during last year, and they both decided that sneaking out of the castle was a perfect idea.

Merlin had taken the lead and guided them to the Forbidden Forest. Arthur had refused to go in until Merlin had told him that he did it all the time, that there was a special place he could show Arthur. And Arthur being a sap in love, followed Merlin into the dark forest.

They walked a long time, Merlin walking the forest with familiarity, until they arrived at a small lake, with shining flowers. In the water, the stars and the moon were reflected, along with the small light that the wings of the fairies cast.

“The first time I came here,” Merlin said, sitting down with his back against a tree. “I was following an unicorn.”  Arthur looked at him. “I am not lying, there was this beautiful unicorn just outside the perimeter of the forest, I had been wandering around the garden when I saw it, so I thought to myself ‘why not?’ and I followed it. When we got here, it drank from the water, neighed and disappeared through those bushes.” Merlin pointed to his left. “I stayed here hoping it would come back, but it didn’t. Instead the fairies appeared and I don’t know why, but it felt like the best place to rest.” Arthur snorted. “So I did, I fell asleep right here and when I woke up I felt calm and secure.”  Arthur had looked at him, at Merlin’s contented smile, at his hands that were gripping the grass. “I have been coming back every time I need time to myself and I bring the fairies gifts, sometimes they like them, sometimes they don’t, but they always appreciate it.” Arthur had looked at Merlin, mesmerized by his smile and his eyes and had almost kissed him, under the starry sky and with a million fairies as his witness. 

Arthur flew all the way to that small lake, faster and faster, ignoring the scratches he received from the low branches.

Merlin was there when he arrived, aimlessly walking along the lake’s edge.  It looked different in the daylight. Alive in a different way, he could hear the fairies flying instead of seeing them, he could see how clear the lake was and the frogs and fishes that lived in it. Merlin didn’t notice Arthur until he placed his broom alongside a tree.  He looked up startled and took a step back, he raised his hand.

“Merlin, it’s me.” Merlin shook his head. “Merlin.” he dropped his hand and sat down hugging his knees, the water’s edge wetting his robes.

“Please go away.” He said, his voice husky.

“I can’t do that Merlin.” He walked towards him. “You know I can’t.” Merlin sighed.

“I know.”

Arthur sat next to him, he enchanted a rock to float towards him and magically wrote in it: _Found him. Back Later,_ and sent it flying in the direction of the castle.

“Morgana told me what happened,” Arthur said. They had always talked and talked and talked. This time Arthur would make sure he wasn’t pretending and that Merlin wasn’t lying.

“I figured.”  He said, his voice small, still afraid. “Sorry.”

“There is nothing you have to apologize for,” Arthur said, convinced. “It is me who needs to apologize.” Merlin opened his mouth. “No, Merlin I do. I’m sorry if I ever made you believe that who you are is wrong. I’m sorry that I didn’t behave myself in a way that allowed you to be who you are. I’m sorry that my actions made it seem like I wouldn’t accept you as you are. Merlin, I apologize because my actions made you unnecessarily suffer.”

“Thank you,” Merlin whispered, he wiped his eyes with his hand, clearly trying to pretend he wasn’t crying.  “I’m sorry too. For not trusting you.”

“It was my fault, Merlin, it was all my fault.”

“Don’t be so self-sacrificing.” Merlin said, a small smile ins his face. “There was never really anything you did that made me so afraid to tell you. I just was, I still am.”  They sat quietly for a moment before Merlin spoke again and in one breath he said. “Arthur, I am gay and I am very much in love with you.”  Arthur smiled and felt his heart flutter.

“There is something I need to tell you as well.” Merlin looked up at him, and he was blushing, the tips of his ears red. “I am also gay.” Merlin’s eyes widen “and I am also, very much in love with you.” Arthur saw the way Merlin’s face went completely red.

“But you are in love with Gwen.” Arthur shrugged.

“I lied. I was drunk and almost blurted out that I loved you. Gwen was the first name that popped into my head.”

“Wow,” Merlin said.

“We are both idiots.”

“We are.”

“Merlin,” Arthur said later after they had spent a few minutes basking in the happiness that came from knowing that your love was returned. “You know that Morgana, Gwen, and your parents love you.” Merlin sighed.  “You know that what the Boggart showed you isn’t going to happen.”

“I know, that doesn't mean I am still not scared shitless.” He rubbed his arms against himself. “There is this tiny part of me that convinces me every day that who I am is wrong and that my friends would desert me if they knew.”

“Well, Merlin, that tiny voice is difficult to ignore, but not impossible. There is nothing wrong with you and there is nothing that you could do that would make your friends abandon you. They love you, just as you are.”  Merlin nodded. Arthur let him process what he had just said and then said: “We need to talk about the other part.”

“The other part?”

“The _you-Boggart_ ,”  Arthur explained. “Why are you afraid of your magic?”

Merlin sighed. “It's different,” he explained. “More powerful than most.” he bit his lip and crossed his arms. “It does things without me knowing.” Arthur kept staring at him until he continued. “I don’t need a wand to cast. I don’t even need spells.”

“How is that possible?”

“I don’t know,”  Merlin said, folding into himself again.

“Can you show me?”  Merlin nodded. He closed his eyes and when he opened them they were gold. Arthur gasped. Beautiful. Merlin was beautiful.  He kept staring at him, with his mouth opened until he heard something. Hooves.

Suddenly there were surrounded by unicorns, some of them were grazing, but most of them were drinking water.

“Did you do that?”  asked Arthur. “Did you call them here?”

“No,” Merlin said. “I made the flowers grow.”  Arthur looked around them and saw thousands of white flowers around them, with a start Arthur realized that the flowers looked familiar.

“They are the ones that glow in the dark.” He said surprised.  Merlin nodded. “Merlin, are you giving me flowers?” He teased. Merlin’s ears went red again.

Ignoring the comment, he explained: “The first time I was here after the unicorn left, I realized how dark the forest is. I wanted light and then the flowers appeared. The fairies were drawn to them, so they came and I got more light, and with the fairies here, the fog that had surrounded the lake disappeared, so I had the moon. My magic gave me light when I asked for it.”

“Wow.”  Merlin shifted uncomfortably.  “Does it give you everything you ask?”

“Yes,” Merlin said. “That is what I am afraid of.” Arthur sat there quietly and realized something astonishing. Merlin could ask for the world and he would get it and instead of being mad with power, he hid it, contained it and fought with it daily. Merlin was nobler than he seemed at first glance.

“Merlin, I know this will sound scary, but I think you should talk to Professor McGonagall. Maybe she can help.”

“Maybe.” was all he said.

They remained sitting at the edge of the lake until a dot appeared on the sky, it slowly grew larger and larger until it took the shape of an owl. When it landed it raised its leg and delivered a letter. The envelope was sealed with the Hogwarts crest and after Merlin had read it he passed it along to Arthur.

_Mr. Emrys and Mr. Pendragon:_

_Please make haste to return to the castle. Mr. and Mrs. Emrys have started to worry that both of you are in danger. I expect both of you to come directly to my office. We will be waiting._

_Minerva McGonagall_

_Headmistress of Hogwarts._

“Well then, let's go face the music,” Merlin said standing up, he extended his hand towards Arthur who immediately took it and didn’t let go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well... this story just took me by surprise yesterday night (30 of January of 2018) and I just couldn't seem to stop writing. I really did just open my computer to write: Merlin faces a Boggart. So that I could remember this idea. Next thing I know I have more than 15 pages of writing, less than 4 hours of sleep and an immense sense of satisfaction. 
> 
> I had planned to end it with Merlin disappearing and leave the ending open. But in the middle of my "editing" I realized that every-time I write form Merlin's POV [(X)](http://archiveofourown.org/works/12322194) [(X)](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10657782) I make him suffer and then I thought more and decided that it was a horrible ending, yes sad and angsty like I had originally planed, but it just made me feel so sad for Merlin so I gave him a different ending.
> 
> But his voice didn't seem to come forward so I wrote from Arthur's and everything just seemed to fit better. 
> 
> So here it is: My Merlin in Hogwarts AU. 
> 
> And as always feedback is both appreciated and encouraged.
> 
> Find me on [Tumblr](http://exolovek.tumblr.com/) or check out my [Merlin Fic's Rec Blog](https://howshitgoes.tumblr.com)


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